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|Implementation of Math Destruction
At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a
flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying
weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes,
and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and
"y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are
part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the
arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes."
|Texan with a new car
Three cowboys were hanging out in the
bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said
the first. "He's going to start bragging about that
new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets
"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll
always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in,
I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either of you," said the
third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do
both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the
bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
Welcoming to America
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee
Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a
friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose
wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so
friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at
me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
Texas builds it larger
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat
of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York
the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?"
"That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal
York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four
times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the
Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over
there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre?
How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About
three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em
twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as
that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.
"What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the
tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here
when I drove by yesterday."
Eating the piece of fruit
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A
vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen
before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went
into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to
his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
|The most annoying waiter habits
Could "enjoy" be a dirty word? From Eater.com we learn that Michael Bauer, Chronicle
restaurant critic, has agreed with the reader who wrote:
"I don’t know who or where it started, or exactly when it became ubiquitous, but have you noticed
that when your server delivers your food, he or she inevitably says, 'Enjoy?'"
They believe that the term is rudely commanding them to enjoy or that it's a trite, disconnected
way to say something more humble, like "I hope you enjoy." Oy. Seems like they're going out of
their way to be offended. We should be more forgiving of the people who serve us. And if we're
going to complain, we should should talk about the really annoying stuff....
1. The special report: Waiters who say the specials fast and incomprehensibly. This
necessitates an uncomfortable 15-minute follow-up session of Q&A. Neither of us wants this.
2. Dirty dishing: I know it's just for a second and it seems completely reasonable to the waiter in
the moment, but don't rest another party's dirty dish on my table.
3. Drought: Forgetting to bring drinks ahead of the meal. Those first few minutes of
decompressing in a restaurant are precious. I love that time after I've ordered but before the
food comes when my date and I can catch up, relax, and sip. Please do not deprive us of this!
4. Water works: Tricking us into buying bottled water. Is the additional $1 tip really worth it? This
complaint includes up-sells of any kind.
5. Guilt: Making us feel bad when we order less than you expect. American portions are huge.
They've gotten completely out of control. In fact, we'd be a healthier nation right now if more
people would share plates. I think it's fine to order one main course, a couple appetizers, and
two drinks. Please don't keep asking what else we're ordering.
6. A-list seats: This is probably the management's fault, but we know that great booth by the window isn't actually reserved.
We know you're just leaving the best table empty as an open prayer for Beyonce will walk in.
7. Unfinished business: Leaving before we've finished ordering. You're taking our drink orders, and you're in a rush. But
maybe someone at our table is painfully hungry and needs an appetizer right away. Too bad, you're already gone and now my
friend will die. Not really. But will you just give us an extra 10 seconds and make sure we're all ordered up?
8. Attitude: It's not OK to for anyone to give anyone attitude. It's just a meal, not Middle East peace talks.
9. The cold shoulder: We're going to be late for the movie/party/babysitter, and desperate for the check. We know you felt our
stare burning a hole in your uniform. You finish with the table you're talking to and then walk the other way. No!!!!!
10. Just an opinion: I like to get the inside scoop from waiters about their favorite dish is, or what they think is the best of two
dishes. If the waiter doesn't have an opinion who will? One of us has to know this menu and it's probably not me.
11. Not so sweet: "Did you save any room for dessert?" is a common question posed by waiters once the
main dish has been cleared. You sound strangely like my grandmother. It's not terrible or anything,
but I wish you wouldn't. We're all adults here.
12. Bad advice: My friend was recently at a Mexican joint. Ordered four margaritas, which would have been $28
altogether. Waiter says, in that case, I'll just get you a pitcher. Sure. Pitcher was $42. Not cool.
13. Out of order: Removing the plate at the same time that you ask if I'm done. Please ask before acting. In that
order. It makes me feel greedy to wrench the plate back from your hands, but I'll do it, I will, if I have to.
14. Mid-game change: Changing servers midway through the meal. You were our only connection to the restaurant.
Now we're out at sea, deep into our main course with some strange helper. The new guy doesn't know us the way
you did. Please try to avoid unless it's some kind of emergency.
1. Avoid eating out on holidays and Saturday nights. The sheer volume of customers guarantees that most kitchens will be
pushed beyond their ability to produce a high-quality dish.
2. There are almost never any sick days in the restaurant business. A busboy with a kid to support isn't going to stay home and
miss out on $100 because he's got strep throat. And these are the people handling your food.
3. When customers' dissatisfaction devolves into personal attacks, adulterating food or drink is a convenient way for servers to
exact covert vengeance. Waiters can and do spit in people's food.
4. Never say "I'm friends with the owner." Restaurant owners don't have friends. This marks you as a clueless poseur the moment
you walk in the door.
5. Treat others as you want to be treated. (Yes, people need to be reminded of this.)
6. Don't snap your fingers to get our attention. Remember, we have shears that cut through bone in the kitchen.
7. Don't order meals that aren't on the menu. You're forcing the chef to cook something he doesn't make on a regular basis.
If he makes the same entrée 10,000 times a month, the odds are good that the dish will be a home run every time.
8. Splitting entrées is okay, but don't ask for water, lemon, and sugar so you can make your own lemonade.
What's next, grapes so you can press your own wine?
9. If you find a waiter you like, always ask to be seated in his or her section. Tell all your friends so they'll start asking for that
server as well. You've just made that waiter look indispensable to the owner. The server will be grateful and take good care of you.
|13 Things Your Waiter Won't Tell You
From Reader's Digest -
Waiters share insider secrets about restaurants--from what days to avoid dining out to
how much to tip.
The next time you go to a fancy
restaurant and the food is not perfect,
thank God you are fortunate to not be in
Another reason not to waste the food we
are blessed with .
10. If you can't afford to leave a tip, you can't afford to eat in the restaurant. Servers could be giving 20 to
40 percent to the busboys, bartenders, maître d', or hostess.
11. Always examine the check. Sometimes large parties are unaware that a gratuity has
been added to the bill, so they tip on top of it. Waiters "facilitate" this error.
It's dishonest, it's wrong-and I did it all the time.
12. If you want to hang out, that's fine. But increase the tip to make up for money the server
would have made if he or she had had another seating at that table.
13. Never, ever come in 15 minutes before closing time. The cooks are tired and will cook your dinner right away.
So while you're chitchatting over salads, your entrées will be languishing under the heat lamp while the dishwasher is spraying
industrial-strength, carcinogenic cleaning solvents in their immediate vicinity.